EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN THOMAS GORDON Maurizio D'Agostino
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
UNIVERSITA 'DI CATANIA
POWER' OF EDUCATION
Training for students
INTERNAL TRAINING IN EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION THOMAS GORDON
Maurizio D'Agostino
In Italy there are now courses in the Gordon Training International (GTI), a company founded by Dr. Thomas for educational Gordon, a student of Carl Rogers, and is based in Solana Beach (California) . It is engaged in the design and dissemination of training programs aimed at increasing the effectiveness staff and improve interpersonal relations. Thanks to the many instructors who spread these programs in over 25 countries, the GTI is probably the largest organization in the field of the report. In Italy the programs are made by Gordon Training International Institute Person-Centered Approach (IACP), the only authorized organization. The courses on the method of Gordon are short courses and courses in Italy are on Effective Parenting (PET), Effective Teachers (TET), Effective Youth (YET), effective leader (LET) and Effective People. Taken together, these courses constitute a valid and coherent proposal for learning in the field of soft skills basic applicable in the workplace, school and education in general.
We enter in the content of training by T. Gordon. THE BEHAVIOR OF THE RECTANGLE
For each person you are in relationship we form a "perceptual window" through which we observe their behavior. We have a different one for each person with whom we report. This "perceptual window" we call "Rectangle behavior." For
"behavior" means that we can hear or see something concrete, not our opinion about that person. A useful way to identify the behavior is to ask, "I could photograph it or engrave it on tape? I could listen to the radio or see on TV?" You can not photograph an "irresponsible" or listen to the recorder.
So the first skill to develop is to learn to discriminate between the behavior ratings.
All people find themselves from time to time two different feelings in interpersonal relationships: acceptance and non acceptance. We will conduct a son, a student, the partner of a teacher and so on. that will be acceptable and others are not acceptable.
RECTANGLE ALL OF CONDUCT
CONDUCT
acceptable behavior unacceptable behavior
The line is not static, it moves up and down, often very rapidly in the course of a day, varies from person to person. No one can accept everything unconditionally. Two people can see the same behavior differently.
The three factors that influence the level of acceptance are:
Factors internal to the individual: the individual personality, mood, health, work commitments, etc.. That is, there may be changes for example in my state of mind, independent of the other's behavior, which may affect my acceptance or non-acceptance of such behavior. the individual personality, mood, health, work commitments, etc.. That is, there may be changes for example in my state of mind, independent of the behavior of others, which may affect my acceptance or non-acceptance of such behavior.
For example, if I win the lottery, get a promotion or simply spend a wonderful day, I can hear almost everything to accept that my son does or says.
the environment: the place where the conduct takes place may determine my acceptance or feelings of the place where the conduct takes place can determine my feelings of acceptance or non acceptance
. For example, while is fine with me that children play football in the yard, I probably would not go well that they do in the living room.
other things: my feelings of acceptance varies For example, one child to another, depending on age, personality, gender, etc.. Of the latter. : My feelings of acceptance vary for example from a child to another, depending on age, personality, gender, etc.. Of the latter.
Area of \u200b\u200bacceptance can be further divided to represent two different types of behavior. First, the other person (which may be a son, a student, etc..) Can take a behavior that does not give you problems, that is there are relationship problems (not problem area).
In this same area you can place those behaviors that are problematic for you, but indicate the presence a problem in the other. Is he / she has a problem, living experience. The problem is his, not yours. So, you might want to help him solve his problem.
acceptable behavior
The other person is in trouble, has a problem
Area
not acceptable behavior problems:
is the ideal situation for teaching / learning
unacceptable behavior
You are in trouble, you have a problem
Gordon
The purpose of training is to make the skills necessary to minimize the two problem areas in the interpersonal relationship. As a result, the Area no problem gets bigger. The problem area is not all the times you can be with the other set in a pleasant and mutually beneficial.
skills
HELP A fundamental skill to develop is to learn to identify those who are the problem.
Remember that behavior is acceptable if you can say: "I like it, accept it, are at ease, I do not feel threatened, annoyed, angry, disappointed, I can accept that the other is; I'm neutral; my needs are satisfied. "
behavior is unacceptable when you could say, "I do not like, do not accept it and I feel threatened (or irritated, angry, frightened, disappointed), I want my needs are soddisfatti.quando might say, "I do not like, do not accept it and I feel threatened (or irritated, angry, frightened, disappointed), I want my needs are satisfied.
Some skills that are taught at Gordon "Effective Parenting" when the issue is a report of the other are:
l. Learn to recognize when their children are in difficulty: how to recognize signs and symptoms.
2. Learning to play an effective role of aid in relation to the child in difficulty.
3. Learning to distinguish the factors that help those that do not help a child in need.
4. Learning to avoid the 12 types of answers when their parents will be facilitating the aid of their children.
5. They practice listening skills necessary for the problem of the child.
6. Learn how to help the child to solve their own problems.
SKILLS 'ON COMMUNICATION PROBLEM AREA OF THE OTHER
communication barriers
When the children / pupils / l' else have a problem, often the parents / teachers get in the way trying to help them with "good advice" , with "tips" taken from their own experience or inviting them to recognize the reality of the "facts" and sticking to it. Despite Good intentions, these efforts often create more problems than they solve and end up blocking the desire to communicate in the child / student. These efforts are called "traditional methods of aid" or "communication barriers" and twelve:
1. give orders, command, direct,
2. threaten, admonish, warn;
3. moralize, to preach;
4. provide solutions, tips, warnings,
5. argue, persuade with logic;
6. judge, criticize, blame,
7. to praise, expressions of pleasure;
8. ridicule, label, using phrases;
9. interpret, analyze, diagnose,
10. reassure the consular
11. investigate, investigate,
change the subject, minimize, ironic.
LIABILITIES AND ACTIVE LISTENING
To avoid the danger of responding verbally using the "barriers" that communicate non-acceptance of the problem of child / student, Gordon recommends the technique of active listening.
Carl Rogers came to identify the characteristics or conditions that must be present for a person in trouble feel helped. This must feel that anyone who offers to help a person:
1. Accepting: let me be who I am, with my way of thinking, feeling, speaking and acting. Do not ask me to be different or change my sentimenti.mi be left as they are, to my way of thinking, feeling, speaking and acting. Do not ask me to be different or change my feelings.
2. Empathy includes I really sensed my true feelings, makes me realize that I am listening carefully. Knows how to put yourself in my shoes and I communicate his perception of that experience. It includes really understands my true feelings, makes me realize that I am listening carefully. Knows how to put yourself in my shoes and I communicate his perception of that experience.
3. Authentic: prepends the sincerity, honesty and genuineness of a recruitment role. prepends the sincerity, honesty and authenticity assumption of a role.
Over the past twenty years researchers in the helping professions have wondered how to communicate effectively with those who live in a state of uneasiness, anxiety, frustration.
Today we know what skills are needed to really help someone in need.
ENABLE 'NON VERBAL
passive listening
Intention
Warning
Silence
Work
phrases confirmation call or lock
tell me ..
you tell me that ... Go ahead
Mmhm mmhm
... Sure ...
ENABLE 'MINUTES
The Active Listening silence, the signs of attention, facilitating expressions have limits, severely limit the interaction, the speaker, in fact, does everything by itself. In addition, the speaker can not understand if the other understands, knows only that it is listening. Such attitudes do not usually manage to get to the bottom of the problem and outline its causes. In addition, the other can not know if the listener is accepting him and his message. He knows only that the listener.
In short, these three systems are relatively passive listening and do not prove that those who are listening to actually understand.
This is referred to as "active listening" requires much more interaction and a lot more evidence that those who are listening has not only heard but have really understood.
Active listening, as opposed to passive listening (silence), involves interaction with the user, and also causes the user to have evidence (feedback) that the operator understands that.
The reference is the emphatic form of communication by:
clear perception of being understood and feelings on ideas;
clear perception of having been accepted both in the sentiments on ideas;
clear perception of being respected on ideas and feelings;
helps to deepen communication;
lowers the emotional strain, the sense of threat and free from anxiety;
helps to accept as natural and human's feelings and to learn that the feeling is a friend;
Facilitates insight (light perception) of the real problem and thus begins the resolution of the same; However, let the person responsible for finding a solution.
On the relational
consolidates the relationship between the members of the interaction, increasing mutual respect and mutual attention to another;
Consolidate the therapeutic alliance.
Active listening is a complete communication process involves the following stages:
Observe and listen carefully the verbal message of the other
Making assumptions regarding the experience of the other
communicate our impression (verbally and nonverbally) with empathy
The other confirms or corrects the feedback Helper.
Active listening works because it helps those who have the problem downloading the intense emotions (emotional flooding) and to develop his problem on a solution.
Active Listening is the skill that best sums up the three characteristics of the helping relationship: empathy, acceptance, authenticity, to facilitate the solution of the problem from the person.
Active Listening is a particular way to reflect what the other gave him to understand that you listen and give way to verify if and how much you have understood your message.
Active Listening is a reformulation of the global communication of the other, in his verbal and emotional components.
Active listening requires that you put yourself in someone else's shoes trying to gather his thoughts and feelings, and that express what you understand with warmth and acceptance.
Active listening allows you and the other person to understand the experience that is living.
This understanding allows the other to express and explore this issue, thus opening the way to a solution. A
Sometimes, a child who suffers from knowing perfectly the reason for his suffering, can express the problem clearly and solve it using its own resources.
More often than not, children in need do not know how they feel, are expressed only through "signs and symptoms and seek someone who will listen and understand them.
FACILITATE THE SOLUTION OF A PROBLEM
Too often, parents tend to solve the problems of child maintenance in a state of dependency (eg repair items, telling him what to do if you are bored, etc.)..
PET encourages parents to believe in the autonomous capabilities of the child, assisting him directly only when clearly needed (eg leaving first try to repair the toy itself and then, if needed, offer your help).
The parent can help the baby out with the call for active listening and phrases, accompanied at various stages of the process of solving the problem.
Active listening and problem-solving guided may well accelerate the transition of children from dependence to independence.
Sometimes the child finds it difficult to make a decision or face a problem because it lacks an effective method.
While active listening is the main instrument, the parent can help in guiding the six stages of Method III.
The process of solving the problem usually involves six basic steps
Problem definition
Suggest solutions
evaluate solutions
Choose solutions
Making an implementation plan
agreed criteria to evaluate the outcomes
The parent can guide the child through this process without imposing an solution.
Example: A child of three years said: "Today I do not know what game to play."
Step 1: The parent uses active listening to identify the needs of the child. And 'Bored? Do not know how to choose? Not feeling well?
Step 2: The parent uses the phrases call to identify the possible solutions. Eg "What do you think? How can you fix it? What might you do? Let's make a list and so on.
Step 3: "What do you like most? What do you think the most fun?".
Step 4: "It seems then that you'd like to ..."," Why did you decide.... "
Step 5: The child puts into practice the decision.
Step 6: (Later) "So you have fun?", Or "How are things going?". So
, T. Gordon shows how to enable essential aid when the other has a problem:
passive listening
invitation phrases or lock
active listening
the process of problem solving
SKILLS 'ON COMMUNICATION AREA NO PROBLEM
In situations not problems we can use the self-EFFECTIVE. In Gordon
Training posts are differentiated in the second person (or Messages-TU), and Messages in First Person (or Message-IO).
Messages in First Person is the way in PET, there is "Self detection," you communicate something of himself.
Self detection means giving information about themselves, to express what you truly think and test. First Person
A Message is a message that describes you, it is an expression of your feelings and your experiences. A message in first person is genuine, sincere and consistent. Given that only expresses your inner reality, does not include assessments, judgments or interpretations over others.
The self takes the form of
messages in person (or Message-I) positive (when the student does something good I say: "I like what you did, made me happy on your behavior ... ). (when the student does something good I say: "I like what you did, made me happy on your behavior ...).
messages in person (or Message-I) declarative (information that ... I made an agreement with the students who ...)
messages in person (or Message-I) prior (more What I expect from them , express how you want things go ...) (I can tell you that ... have made an agreement with the students that ...) (more What I expect from them, I would like to express how things go ...)
POSITIVE MESSAGE IN FIRST PERSON A message at first very positive contribution to strengthening the relationship when there are problems, communicate positive feelings and describes the specific effects of positive behavior of another person has on you.
Often your child behaves in a particularly acceptable to you, you behave like them, you appreciate that you welcome and you feel grateful.
Expressing your positive feelings will give you confidence in yourselves as parents and, most importantly, your child will feel
appreciated, recognized and loved.
Examples: messages in 3 parts: "I really appreciated that you put in the order
garage and now it is easier to park and find what I need."
messages in 2 parts: "I am very pleased with the progress you have made in school (behavior, feelings)." I am very pleased with the progress you have made in school (behavior, feelings).
simple message: "I love you" (feeling). "I love you" (feeling).
Too often we express ourselves through messages in the second person. A message in the second person on the other is a statement that involves evaluation and assessment. Children often take offense to this types of messages, because they feel judged or manipulated.
Even when motivated by good intentions, messages in the second person may leave a bad impression
"But what a good girl!", "You did well to tidy up the garage!" "You're doing a good job in school." "You're always so polite and quiet."
A message in person avoids positive evaluations and reviews. It focuses on the feelings and experiences of the parent.
A first positive message should be natural and spontaneous expression.
expressions are not to be used to manipulate the children or lead them to do what you want Elle ("I love you when you do as I say).
MESSAGE IN FIRST Persons declared
One can understand much better if we learn to share ideas openly and often, opinions and feelings.
would avoid misunderstandings and problems, and the relationship becomes more intimate and sincere.
in the non-problematic, we can use first-person declarative messages that express the feelings of the moment, likes and dislikes, beliefs, opinions, etc..
"I do not like listening to hard rock."
"I believe that education is very important for the future."
"The news these days depress me deeply."
"I like when we gather together to talk and play."
MESSAGE IN THE FIRST PERSON ESTIMATES
Still in unproblematic, posts first-person estimates put aside their children (the spouse or other) of our future needs, the other will have the opportunity to cooperate, or change so as not to obstruct the fulfillment of our needs, thus preventing the problem or conflict. Examples:
"Tomorrow morning I need the car to go to the airport."
"Tonight I starmene alone in the garage to work."
"On Sunday I'd take a trip."
As with posts first-positive, even in this case the reason can never be the manipulation or control of the other but only a sincere communication.
So, in the non-problematic, ie when there are relationship problems, Gordon shows the development of skill of self-efficient is expressed in the messages in person (or post-I) positive returns and budgets.
ENABLE 'COMMUNICATION PROBLEM AREA FOR THE COMPARISON OF EFFECTIVE STAFF
leaving the area no problem, we begin to be concerned with the rejection, the area in which there are unacceptable behavior of others and then we have a problem We are in need. COMPARISON OF TRADITIONAL METHODS
As Barriers report to help, Gordon courses, these traditional methods of comparison are grouped into twelve different ways. I am the way that many people give in response to difficult times in the face of unacceptable behavior of others.
give orders, command, direct,
threaten, admonish, warn;
moralize, to preach;
offer solutions, tips, warnings,
argue, persuade with logic;
judge, criticize, blame;
do praise, expressions of pleasure;
ridicule, label, using phrases;
interpret, analyze, diagnose,
reassure the consular
investigate, investigate,
change the subject, minimize, ironic.
Messages second blame the other person, notify him "you're bad" or "you're wrong." The messages in the second person does not meet the requirements of an effective comparison.
can make a change, however, affect self-esteem of others, undermine the report, deny another the opportunity to help resolve the problem.
Posts
imply that a solution
1. Direct
2. Threatening
3. Preach
4. Recommend
5. Persuading
Hidden Message:
"You're not able to understand how you alone help "
are ineffective because:
a) give rise to resistance:" I will not "
b) deny the child the opportunity to change their attitude in view of my needs
devaluing Posts:
6. Criticare
7.
Praise 8. Insulting
9.
Analyse 10. Reassure
11. Interrogating
Hidden Message:
"There's something wrong with you, because I
causes problems" are ineffective because
:
a) attack the self-esteem of the child
b) give rise to resistance and opposition: "I am not an irresponsible" and
) mortify her son
d) blaming the son for his needs
Posts Loss:
12. Evade, throw a joke
Hidden Message:
"You're not able to understand just how you could help
"
are ineffective because:
a) are often enigmatic and incomprehensible
b) show the child that are not direct and open, but subtle and indirect.
The "barriers" are messages in the second person. Unduly moving the focus from "I have a problem" to "you have a problem."
A message in first person is a comparison tool more effective because:
describes in a non-judgmental behavior is not acceptable (what the other has said or done)
describes your feelings of the conduct or its effects.
describes the physical and tangible effects that this unacceptable behavior has on you
iceberg THEORY OF FEELINGS
If you come across a number of messages sent in first to express anger, it is likely that you are not in contact with your feelings originate.
"I am angry" is a message which is usually interpreted as the other: "I am angry with you," or
"You made me angry."
Regardless of its form, the other usually feels offended, condemned, blamed, as happens with messages in the second person.
Anger is probably something that is generated after trying a different feeling. It 'very possible that the original emotion is fear, sorrow, embarrassment, frustration, disappointment, helplessness, hurt, worry, envy, sadness, etc..
Get in touch with the original sense and then communicate through a message in person reduces the opportunities to express anger.
GEAR CHANGE
not always a message in person work. The other may react putting himself on the defensive making eg. suspicious, embarrassed, saddened, calling into difficulties.
When this happens, it is important that the parent gear changes through active listening. If when
The other can not hear or respond positively if their emotional temperature is high. If the other when you insist on defending the messages in first person, which do not increase it. Before you can listen to your problem, must be helped to lower your emotional temperature.
The best tool in this case is active listening, which is part of a message in person all inclusive, not saying it will increase your chances that the message be ineffective.
Moving up a gear means moving from confrontation to listen until the problem is not solved either.
When the gear change has loosened the defense of others, you can repeat the comparison to try to solve your problem. Change the environment
The comparison using the messages in the first person down the line of acceptance (by expanding the area
unproblematic) or reduces the number of unacceptable behavior of others. Another way to further lower the line is the change the environment.
A change in the environment, it is useful in one or both of the following circumstances:
1. When the other has already taken the behavior unacceptable and you want to change the environment.
2. When can I expect it will take in the future and wish to prevent unacceptable behavior. Gordon
us therefore suggested to do something to change or rearrange the environment in which it exerts disruptive behavior in order to:
delete, edit
,
isolate.
Among the main methods to be adopted to change the environment are: Enriching
: add something to the environment, such as toys, materials and activities. Examples: garden put in a sand pit, get the books that meet the tastes of children invent games suitable for long journeys macchina.aggiungere something in the environment, such as toys, materials and activities. Examples: garden put in a sand pit, get the books that meet the tastes of children, invent games suitable for long car trips.
Extend: Extend the spaces for the game and work. Examples: to bring children into a public garden, the sea, mountain, fitness, ecc.estendere areas for play and work. Examples: to bring children into a public garden, the sea, mountain, fitness, ecc.Impoverire: steal something or reduce environmental stimuli, activity, etc.. Example: turn off or turn down the radio or TV, close a door to muffle the noise, avoid discussions when it's time to go to sleep. Restricting
: restricting access to the environment. Examples: the box, the seats of the car, a part of the fence cortile.delimitare access environment. Examples: the box, the seats of the car, a fence the yard.
Simplify: facilitate the movement and the independence of the child in domestic spaces. Examples: Put the dishes and ingredients, breakfast in a place easily accessible to him, hang a mirror to his altezza.agevolare movements and the independence of the child in domestic spaces. Examples: Put the dishes and ingredients, breakfast in a place for him to reach
reorganization: move some items, put others out of reach, and so on. Examples: lock the medicine cabinet, remove the detergents under the sink, put the TV out of the "broken" some of the activities quotidiane.spostare objects, put others out of reach, and so on. Examples: lock the medicine cabinet, remove the detergents under the sink, put the TV out of the "route" of daily activities.
So, when we have a problem or we are in trouble (problem area) Gordon suggests two strategies:
posts first-person comparison
gearshift
environmental modification
RESOLVE CONFLICTS
Active listening, the messages in first person and change the environment can increase the area unproblematic. But active listening will not help each other to solve their problems; some inevitably will. The ability to change the environment and other unacceptable behavior will not help to get rid of all the behavioral problems.
Some behaviors will remain unchanged for two main reasons:
's need to persist in his behavior is too strong: there is a conflict of needs.
The other does not believe that his conduct adversely affect your in a concrete and tangible: there is a collision of values.
NEEDS OF THE SETTLEMENT OF DISPUTES
interpersonal conflicts are inevitable. Believing that a relationship can live long without conflict is an illusion, is not realistic.
The unresolved conflicts can be very destructive. Often, problems are dealt with inappropriate methods of conflict resolution. On the other hand, an effective solution to the conflict can strengthen the relationship, facilitating growth and deepen the bonds of intimacy, love and respect.
Most conflicts between people are conflicts between solutions, rather than between needs. In reality people share essentially the same basic needs, common to all men. The conflict arises from the way in which everyone tries to meet their basic needs.
often because people are in conflict because both are unable to communicate their other personal needs. Instead, he undertook a series of actions (the solution) to satisfy a legitimate need, and it is these actions that trigger the conflict.
But the recognition and acceptance of each other's needs is not enough. To resolve the conflict, people must find together a solution acceptable to both. This is the concept behind the training Gordon: people have the right to meet their own needs. Must "win together" no one should miss. So, Gordon proposes a "method without losing" or Method III (I win, you win). If the two parties will not suffer oppression, and each will be forced to respect the rights of others and will be found a solution will not involve neither winners nor losers, thus preserving the self-esteem and relationship. This method replaces the two most commonly used methods: the authoritarianism that Gordon called Method I (I win, you lose) and permissiveness or Method II (I lose, you win), both based on a relationship of power where the 'one in the first case, or the other in seconds, leaving defeated.
A relationship based on power has many deleterious effects:
resistance, defiance, rebellion, mistrust
Resentment, anger, hostility
aggression, revenge, retaliation
To lie, to hide their feelings
Blaming others, gossip, laugh
dominate, imposing, intimidating
need to win, afraid of losing
Seeking allies against il'altro
submission, obedience, submissiveness
Flattery, seduction
conformism, lack of creativity , fear of novelty
Introversion, avoidance, daydreaming, regression
The immediate effects of power can be covered enters three coping mechanisms:
The escape: escape the power of the other physically or psychologically withdrawing
The struggle, fight back, to respond to power with power, sabotage, revenge attack passively or actively.
Submission: comply, give up or surrender, comply, is often accompanied by resentment and a loss of self-esteem. The submissive person denies their value and their needs, often becomes a flatterer. The courses are taught
Gordon Method III for the resolution of conflicts and the ability to apply it. The six-step problem-solving provides a good framework for the application of Method III. Here are briefly outlined six steps: STEP
O: create the conditions for the conduct of the six stages. Both parties must be willing to follow this path, have the intention of trying to drill a third method (Method III) with which to try as much as possible of the needs of both. This phase, which can be used at all times to "stall" or other conflict in six phases, will be made in a comprehensive manner the first few times that will be used as an alternative to Method III Methods I and II. Later, when this will be the usual way, is no longer necessary.
STEP 1: Define the problem in terms of needs: clearly identify their needs and present them to another
;
STEP 2: to produce possible solutions (to propose a number of alternatives to refrain from
reviews and evaluations);
STEP 3: evaluate the solutions (to weigh the different solutions, the positive and negative, discarding those
not acceptable for both)
STEP 4: Choose the solution acceptable to both (without forcing, persuading, etc..
but go on to opt for a settlement by mutual agreement)
STEP 5: planning and implementing the solution (you decide who does what and when)
STEP 6: Verify the results (if the solution has met the needs of both). This method will be implemented
listening, talking, talking and comparing, all in an atmosphere of freedom and trust.
Using the technique of problem solving can resolve such conflicts, or to reach decisions, choices or develop a "law" or regulation For example, a school class to be proposed by the students themselves and that this will be more easily observed.
THE SOLUTION OF THE COLLISION OF VALUES
Some conflicts are not solved immediately with messages of confrontation in the first person and the Method III. In conflicts of this kind, the unacceptable behavior of the other has little or no tangible and concrete effect on himself.
Here are some examples: the son of 16 years starts to smoke and the parent does not like the son says that the parent does not tolerate profanity, and the son says that the study is a waste of time and want to leave school at 16 and parent believes that education is important. Often people
are not motivated to change if you do not understand that their behavior has some effect on the tangible and concrete.
Sometimes there may be a difference between people's values: divergence with which one can live very well. The difference expresses the attitude: "I wish that you were not so," or "I would not clothed you so" but I'm willing to accept it. You can get over it.
Such divergences lie in the non-problematic.
The collision of values \u200b\u200bexpresses the existence of a conflict on a question which can not pass over, that you do not accept. In this case, the attitude is: "I want you to change."
Criteria for the collision of values \u200b\u200bare:
feel not to accept the other's behavior;
The other has opposed until now to attempt to change his behavior;
The other does not understand how his behavior affects you;
The other does not perceive the situation as problematic.
collisions of values \u200b\u200bare normal and inevitable, the point is how to fix them.
The model for the collision of values \u200b\u200baffects the following: Tap the following points:
Define the differences of values: the first step is to understand the real differences that separate. To this end, the best tools are the messages first person declarative and active listening. Share differences of values \u200b\u200bin itself reduces the conflict, which sometimes ends up assuming the character of a marked divergence within the Area is not problematic.
Change yourself: The next step requires you to ask, I can accept the differences and leave things as they are, or believe that it is absolutely essential to overcome them? You can review your values \u200b\u200band perhaps closer to those of the other? Are you willing to "experiment" and accept its values \u200b\u200bcan change yours?
Changing the behavior of the other: whether to change the other is really important, you can groped to change the behavior that bothers you or is unacceptable. Apply problem-solving method III of the unacceptable behavior, especially if the act that particular value from the other causes a real and tangible to you. The first step is to understand the real differences that separate. To this end, the best tools are the first-person declarative messages and active listening. Share differences of values \u200b\u200bin itself reduces the conflict, which sometimes ends up assuming the character of a marked divergence within the Area is not problematic. : I can accept the differences and leave things as they are, or believe that it is absolutely essential overcome them? You can review your values \u200b\u200band perhaps closer to those of the other? Are you willing to "experiment" and accept its values \u200b\u200bcan change yours? : If you change the other is really important, it can be groped to change the behavior that bothers you or is unacceptable. Apply problem-solving method III of the unacceptable behavior, especially if the act that particular value from the other causes a real and tangible to you.
You can change the behavior of the other visible even if the value that underlies it has not changed (for example, still appreciate the music at full volume, but agrees to lower the volume or use headphones when you're at home).
messages comparison in first person or the problem-solving skills of Method III are adapted to change a behavior that has a tangible effect on you.
affect the value of the other: to finish, even if you are able to modify the actions of others, you may still want to influence on the direction of a change of values. : Finally, even if you are able to modify the actions of others, you may still want to influence on the direction of a change of values.
There are three new skills to learn to influence the values \u200b\u200bof the other:
Leading by example; Send
benefits;
Advising;
are identified eight possible options that are offered to the person who wants to resolve a conflict of values \u200b\u200bbetween self and others. Two of them are not recommended, but are included because they might be needed in a desperate situation. In the following eight options are defined according to the risk involved for the report:
The minimum risk is the "Change yourself and the maximum risk is the" use of force "(ie the use of power and coercion).
HIGH RISK FOR THE REPORT
use force
Threatening to use force
Seek problem-solving
Advising
Comparison / active listening
Teaching - provide benefits
Leading by example
transforming oneself
LOW RISK FOR THE REPORT
OPTIONS THE VALUES OF collection fair
Changing oneself: to be able to change your values, your point of view. Change can come from questioning the usefulness of its values, experience, or reconsider the importance of the different values \u200b\u200bof the other person. Consider where we derive certain values \u200b\u200b(eg. Wonder if they are really our or our parents, etc..), can help to clarify whether or not we want to change them.
the example: it is one of the most powerful means to influence the values \u200b\u200bof the other. Children, in particular, imitate the adults they admire. There are limits to behave naturally and consistently, to live according to their beliefs and values. Give an example of a desired behavior (value) is often an effective means to manage or prevent unacceptable behavior. It is important that the actions agree with the words, not quickly lose all credibility as a model for the other.
Teaching - provide benefits: a value is normally considered "fair, important per se. It was decided to keep it as it comes of some use. An ability to develop is to learn how to convey what he has to pursue this change in value, what benefit it has. Ex. such sincerity, etc. .)
Confonto / active listening: You can use the comparison through the messages in first person and carry the gear shift, turning the active listening to the views or differences of the other. The first message in comparison, will undergo some small changes in the meaning of each of the individual making it three shares: to be able to change your values, your point of view. Change can come from questioning the usefulness of its values, to reconsider the amount or personally experience the different values \u200b\u200bof the other. Consider where we derive certain values \u200b\u200b(eg. Wonder if they really are ours or our parents, etc..), Can help to clarify whether or not we want to change them. is one of the most powerful means to influence the values \u200b\u200bof the other. Children, in particular, imitate the adults they admire. There are limits to behave naturally and consistently, to live according to their beliefs and values. Give an example of a desired behavior (value) is often an effective means to manage or prevent unacceptable behavior. It is important that the actions agree with the words, not quickly lose all credibility as a model for the other. normally a value is considered "right and important" to him. It was decided to keep it as it comes of some use. An ability to develop is to learn how to convey what he has to pursue this change in value, what benefit it has. Eg such as honesty, etc..) You can use the comparison through the messages in person and implementing the gear shift, turning the active listening to the views or differences of the other. The first message in comparison, will undergo some small changes in the meaning of each of the individual making it three shares:
Posts firsthand comparison
Shouts personadi first comparison values \u200b\u200b
unacceptable behavior
tangible effects on you
feelings congruent
value
unacceptable effects on you or on the hypothetical
The strength of your interest
A translation into concrete terms of a message in person in the collisions of value could be the following: "I love you enough to feel sorry if your pursuit of these values, extent of damage to your future life. "
Giving advice: a consultant is a person who is considered by another (Or organization) as a potential agent of change and who is employed to improve an individual or an organization, the consultant is perceived as a person with wisdom, knowledge, experience, technical skills, values \u200b\u200band beliefs reliable . a consultant is a person who is considered by another (or organization) as a potential agent of change and who is employed to improve an individual or an organization, the consultant is perceived as a person with wisdom , competence, experience, technical skills, values \u200b\u200band beliefs to be reliable. Four of the effective advice
conditions are: are:
be searched, requested or have a relationship of trust;
Share your expertise and experience, based on facts and well-considered opinions;
not force others to accept their ideas and opinions. Groped to influence it once, not more;
give the other the responsibility for change (namely to accept the ideas and opinions of the consultant). The skills and core competencies of an effective consultant are:
A clear exposition of their values \u200b\u200band why they are considered important (first-person declarative messages).
Active Listening (change gear) to show acceptance in resistances and defenses against the other.
BIBLIOGRAPHY Thomas Gordon, Parent effective, Ed Thomas Gordon The sundial, effective teachers, Giunti Ed Thomas Gordon, Leader effective. The sundial
http://www.iacp.it/ Ed Thomas Gordon, Parent effective, Ed Thomas Gordon The sundial, effective teachers, Giunti Ed Thomas Gordon, Leader effective. The sundial Ed
